Fun Fats of Life

Surprise, surprise

2007-08-12T22:10:00.000+08:00

Two surprises today...
But I'll try to keep this post as short and sweet as I possibly can.

The first was not so much a surprise as it was a shock. Just picture yourself in the car, half reading Finance, and the other half falling asleep. All of a sudden there's this ear-piercing scream which jolts you clean out of your groggy state.

No, we weren't about to run over someone who would have left a nasty stain on the freshly polished bumper. No, it was something far worse - there was a frikin' cockroach on the roof of the car. No, it wasn't one of those small ones you could squash with a piece of tissue paper, it was one of those HUGE ASS ones you wouldn't be able to squash even if you had a frikin' bed sheet.

Well, to cut a long story short, I managed to triumph over (i.e. squish) the foul beast, sacrificing two pages of The Sunday Times. Yay me!

The second surprise was... well... phenomenal...

I believe the only two words that could describe the feeling of surprise I was experiencing were exactly what i uttered upon seeing the likes of Henry, Rene, Gid, Zhang, Boey and Takuto pop out from the arcade to wish me happy birthday.

"H*** S***"

Here's to Mum, Dad, Rachel, Josh and all of you guys for making my 16th birthday extra-sweet with the cherry on top.

Incidentally, it's Nick's birthday too!
So,

Happy Birthday to you! (x2)
Happy Birthday dear fishball!
Happy Birthday to you!

Just Wondering...

2007-08-08T12:53:00.000+08:00

It's quite a wonder how one's writing style can change so drastically over 9 months - yesssss it's been 9 months since I last blogged. Not that I'm about to admit that my posts from now on will be a tad boring, but I have absolutely no idea how I managed to pull off that bombastic vocabulary, the witty insults, and the big big big word count back then.

It's quite a wonder how my knees keep popping whenever I straighten them, I sure hope it's just a passing phase or there goesmy dream to become a super spy. There's no way I could sneak up on someone with the joints i have now, not even if it was at night and i was dressed as dark as Rene. Not even if i had a silencer.

It's quite a wonder how I've been sitting at the computer since 10 am in the morning, doing absolutely nothing... k fine, I was playing dota... hate that game... keep losing to the AI... ****ing AI...

It's quite a wonder how I've already paused the game countless times to take my temperature or go to the toilet trying to shit. I think it's a guilt thing. I mean, how can I tell my teacher that I had a fever when my forehead feels perfectly normal, or say that I had diarrhoea when I can't shit? Ahhh... I got it now... constipation.

It's quite a wonder how I'm actually blogging again after 9 months... crap... perhaps I should have waited another 3 and made it a year.

It's quite a wonder how I have had to correct my "I"s to make them CAPS. I mean, how could blogger not have a spellcheck?! OH MY! It's like writing on ****ing NOTEPAD! Gosh!

I could choose to write on MS Word. They have spellcheck. Only thing in that when you copy and paste, the aprostophe's become funny symbols and then I have to go and change that. Sigh, guess I can't be bothered.

It's quite a wonder how a person like me could get so lazy... Maybe its the constipation.

Woo Hoo!!!

2006-11-23T15:04:00.000+08:00

I guess that if we all delve slightly deeper within our inner blood and fat filled beings, we find the earnest desire to experience something exhilarating. Whether it be in the thrill of the experience itself or the boasting rights that come along with the completion of the act, NORMAL people like us need something exciting to spur us on to face tomorrows dreary existence.

Standing by the road nonchalantly, I looked on, ole' poker-faced me, as the likes of Chun Wui, David Chan David, Gideon, Gideon, Gideon, Gideon and Gideon proceeded to run across the road next to Singapore Cricket Club, only to stop halfway and sit down. Rather amused I declined to comment out loud at that point in time, while in my mind the words "WHAT A BUNCH OF RETARDED LOSERS!" echoed endless, much like the voice i keep hearing in my head - that's Bob.

All of a sudden, they all got up and started running back to the side of wisdom and sanity (the sidewalk). A car was approaching and they had hardly enough time to get comfortable, when the unmistakable headlights of the car hit them left, right and wrong. Thankfully nobody got even the slightest bruise.

I walked to the MRT with Chun Wui, asking him what evil force compelled him to commit the vile crime of jaysitting. It wasn't a big deal, after all the road wasn't very busy, (it was next to a cricket club and even at 11 PM, we still are by no means Pakistan). BUT STILL, what a stupid thing to do. The reply i got from him was a surprising, "You mean you haven't done it before?", thereafter digressing into the rich history that constituted to what sitting on the road is today - much of it involving how the great Chun Wui himself had pioneered the first road sitting at Dover.

Unconvinced, we walked and talked, as most NORMAL people do at 11 PM on the way to City Hall MRT. And behold, there before our very eyes, lay the freeway... the only sea of traffic(then only a trickle) that seperated us from our destined destination. I looked right, then I looked left, then I looked right again, then i looked at Chun Wui. His face was set with grim determination...

HAHAHA I make a joke! Chun Wui's face is incapable of being set with grim determination, neither is David Chan David's, who happened to be beside us as well. Anyway...

He looked back at me smiling the smile that makes him Chun Wui, "Aiyah screw it, when are we ever gonna get the chance to do it again?" So we ran across the road, fast as greased lighting, only a bit slower, then we stopped, AND SAT DOWN! ON THE FREEWAY! OUTSIDE THE ESPLANADE! There weren't many cars, but that's not the point, I sat on the freeway and now i shall proclaim it to the world!

Ladies, gentleshemen and machomen, I stand before you today, a living testimony of one who has brave the prospect of oncoming traffic, in order to bring to you this week's episode of Isaac's Weekly Exhilarating Experience of the Week. At number 1 we have *drum roll please* - sitting on the floor.

Me - over and out.

I'm BACK!!!

2006-10-30T12:43:00.000+08:00

Hello earthlings and I really do have to express my utmost sincere apology for not blogging for such a long time... a rebel group of marauding chipmunks have only just recently returned my stolen keyboard. Crap aside, as most of the people who read this blog know, I only blog when something rather amusing occurs. Once again, I have have chanced upon the opportunity of witnessing something "rather amusing".

A banker popped up outside my house just over an hour ago, to meet up with my parents to discuss the terms of agreement for a new house we had just bought. I noticed something different about the fellow, perhaps the nose, of the glasses, or maybe the whole body. Apparently it wasn't only me who thought so... my parents noticed the difference too... The entire conversation that follows isn't fabricated but 100% true...

Dad : "HEY Alex! You look slightly different... what happened to your hair?"
Mum : "Yeah, something changed. Did you cut your hair or something?"
Alex : "Um... no, not really"
Dad : "Did you dye your hair white or something? You're greyer than me now! Must be all the stress..."
Alex : "No, this is inherited"

At such opportune moments, my mum is famous for her one liners that come out as one thing but mean another thing entirely. True enough, just when we thought that the conversation could not further destroy the poor banker's ego...

Mum : "Aiyah, don't worry. Then you can go and dye lah!"

This was followed by an immensely awkward pause...

Alex : "Um... that would be the last thing i would want to do..."
Dad : "HAHAHAHAHA!!! Zack, did you hear that? She asked him to go and dye! HAHAHA!"

Bank

2006-09-20T23:01:00.000+08:00

I have no idea how my brother chanced upon the words "bank robbery" but he did, as do most small cute creatures usually get their way. As you probably have derived from my previous blog posts, my brother is somewhat an interesting character, rather interesting indeed.

Well anyway, emulating a teacher, my brother was attempting to teach me and a few other imaginary ladies and gentlemen, how to spell "bank robbery". Stepping up to the whiteboard, on the verge of exploding with authority, he began to write down the individual letters, all the while carrying a smug grin on his face.

"Bank RoBbeRy!" he announced in his high pitched voice, sounding very much alike to that of a chipmunk. The toggle case, which most people use to write irritating msn nicknames is used here not to piss you (the reader) off but rather, that is exactly the way that my brother spelt it - "B - R - B - R". Laughing so hard at his own joke, he looked as if his face was about to split into two.

I on the other hand, was not amused.

"Josh! Do you even know how to spell bank robbery?"

" Of course!"

"Okay fine, spell it for me to see..."

"Ladies and gentlemen, 'bank robbery' first starts with a 'bank', so..."

And then he proceeded to spell "H - S - B - C"

The Gate

2006-09-02T01:14:00.000+08:00

There are some combinations that just don't go together. One is me and dancing, two is Zhang and common sense, and the third most opposing thing is being in a rush and metal gates. I'm not quite sure if they are called metal gates, but it's the metal thingy that is pulled down at the entrace of a shop when it is about to close.

It was 7.40 pm when i got a call from Cao, asking me whether we were doing anything for Kenghis for teacher's day, whereupon I came up with the ever-so-brilliant idea of making a mural of our whole OM team and pasting it to a huge heart, then decorating the heart and presenting it to him the next morning.

Me and my big mouth.

So,your truly, was tasked with completing the heart. My lovely grandparents picked me up from school and by the time we got to Bukit Timah Plaze, it was 8.55 pm. The things i needed could only be found in Popular, and thus i dashed into the shop and gathered the goods, while my grandparents waited outside for me.

I was waiting at the cashier when they started to pull the metal thingy down about halfway. At that same point in time, some random guy who had just finished paying for his items, decided to walk out of Popular. The was a loud "KLONK!" followed by an even louder "OUCH! What the f***" as the guy smashed head-first into the metal thingy. I must state that I indeed tried my best not to laugh, but soon the air that was welled up inside my mouth was unbearable, and I started to snort, body jerking up and down as I convulsed in laughter. Which idiot would walk straight into something right in front of his face?

As finished paying for what I needed to get, I said a silent prayer, thanking God that I had managed to get the materials to make the card on time. I wasn't closing my eyes or anything, just in a rush to get back to the car where my grandparents were waiting. Elated, I rushed for the exit and then... SMASH, as i proceeded to run my face into the metal thingy.

Not Dead Yet

2006-07-30T21:39:00.000+08:00

Dinner can be a funny thing too. My sister just spent a large portion of it with her mouth open - not coz she was stuffing tons of noodles and dumplings into her mouth nonstop. That was me. Hers was because of a certain actor and actress couple who were sitting at the table opposite us. What amazes me was that through all the "Oooooo"s and "Aaaaaaaah"s she still managed to breathe once in a while.

I, on the other hand, was getting pretty irritated by such a display of whale talk. I mean how would you feel if there was this creature constantly buzzing in your ear about how pretty the actress is, or how the pair were really suited for one another? No wait, don't answer that question. Its probably just me being cynical again.

I do admit that i get irritated pretty easily. I can't stand people who start to blabber incoherently and drool when something catches their eye. Can't really blame Gid though, food comes under a different spectrum altogether and besides, I think Chunky's cute.

Anyway back to the dinner experience. I glared at my sis and when that didn't work, i rolled my eyes - really roundly (if there's such a word). So roundly that I i think one kinda got stuck and turned quite a frightful colour of red according to my grandma. Despite my valiant efforts, all were in vain. Something else succeeded though.

"BREAST!"

My brother yelled. Not quite loud enough for everyone in the restaurant to turn and look but quite enough to catch my entire family's attention. He had placed two empty porcelain bowls on his chest. His faced contorted a bit, making him look like a bulldog with constipation, then he exploded in peals of high pitched laughter.

Dinner at Joo Chiat

2006-07-16T22:24:00.000+08:00

There was this guy staring at me during dinner.

I had gone out with my parents for dinner at Joo Chiat - one of my favourite "restaurants". You know the type of restaurant by the side of the road, with fans that creak in 1.5 second intervals, with tiles that started off being white but are now covered in a yellow hue. You know the type, the ones with not so great ambience but really great food.

Anyway back to this guy. I'm not really sure if it was a guy or not but let's call it a "he" anyway. He had a really white face, really white hands, really white t-shirt, and he wasn't ang moh. More importantly he was gazing at me, not staring at me with the gangster snarl across his face. He was gazing.

There's something about gays staring at you that makes you feel kinda nauseous. He was just poking at his food and gazing, only looking away when I gave him one of those stop-staring-or-I'll-make-you-female kind of looks and walked off. (My family and I were still waiting for a table at that time.)

Maybe I'm being a little bit mean. I mean, perhaps he wasn't gay after all and was just staring at something behind me, perhaps at some hot girl sitting behind me all the while.

So my family and I finally managed to get a table. Coincidentally, the gay (oops I mean guy) had just finished his dinner as well and began walking off. I felt guilty for judging him solely by looks and not by his personality, I mean after all even the bible states that man looks at the outside, only God looks at the heart.

Feeling slightly ashamed, I turned to glance at him. But in that split-second glance, and to my horror, I could have sworn that he winked.

I'll put an Abhishek in your bed!

2006-07-15T00:03:00.000+08:00

Martha, the uni-boobed cross dresser from Centrestage a few months ago, once made a comment on smell and Abhishek.

"Abhishek smells like Abhishek plus fart... ... which is the smell of Abhishek."

Therefore in tribute of one of the most truthful statements I've ever heard, this post shall have somewhat to do with smells... somewhat :D

Tonight, I followed some of the Haven cast members to go eat dinner at Swensens. Ate my baked rice in about 30 minutes, nearly puked it all out in 1 - somebody was talking about how a gecko was found inside somebody's lontong recently. Finally we all got ice cream.

We were eating our individual ice creams, all the while laughing and talking very loudly then suddenly, out of nowhere came an,

"OH SHIT!!!"

Followed by Chun Wui snorting into a tissue, and laughing at the same time.

"Hahaha! I just sneezed ice cream from my nose!"

The tissue paper was covered in green, (he had been eating peppermint). Apparently it smells like mucus mixed with ice cream! And according to him, it smells really disgusting too, and we would never want to try it. Surprise, surprise!

Kinda deja vu don't you think? But HEY! Now we all know what mucus mixed with ice cream smells like...

Before-After

2006-07-10T00:17:00.000+08:00

I'm sure most of you have seen the before-after advertisements in the newspapers. Just pick up any newspaper and you'd be able to find one for sure. Women with enough folds of fat on their stomach to form rice terraces that you see ever-so-often in the Philippines, transforming into beauties with svelte figures, slim enough to become the new face of Faber Castle's new line of colour pencils.

My mum just decided to do something like this of her own... In an attempt to convince people that the body suits she purchased about three days ago really do help people to slim down, she asked my dad to take a photo of her 'before'.

"Look depressed, look fat (which is kinda impossible, coz my mum isn't fat)... Ahhh... that's it! (apparently it is possible.. somehow) Now hold it there."
"Quick lah, take the photo!"
"What the... why is there this push to talk thing that keeps appearing on the screen? I think your phone has a problem, I can't take any photos!"

The happened about another five times before my dad realized that he had been pressing the wrong button all along. My sister and I burst out laughing. My brother, deciding to join in the commotion, started crying because my mum had scolded him, refusing to let him take the photo coz he was wasting time.

So finally they took the photo. My mum finally let my brother take one too, much to his delight. It might not seem funny now but I'm certain it was quite funny then.

"Eh... Where is the photo? I want to see it."
"It's not there? I thought I put in volume label?"
"It's not... you mean you didn't save it?!"

Altogether now... "WAH LAU!"

Here we go again :D

Mutilation

2006-07-08T12:31:00.000+08:00

"Aaaaaagh! It moves!!!"

I screamed hysterically, nearly dropping the crab. I had just picked it up when suddenly one of its legs twitched, jabbing my pinky. Crabs are dangerous, even when they are tied up. Never having seen crabs being killed before, I stayed to watch my dad do the dirty work, despite him having called me a sissy for being scared of SOMETHING THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD BUT MOVED ANYWAY.

He flipped the crab over onto its back, and reached for the knife and shoved it in the crab's backside. I felt something lurch... it wasn't the crab, it was my stomach. I mean how would you like it if something long and sharp were shoved up your rectum?

Black stuff started oozing out and covered the entire sink (at least it didn't spurt out) I could have sworn I heard a squeak, as suddenly the crab stopped flailing its pincers and hung there limp. My brother who had just witnessed the whole process, laughed evilly, like a maniac out of Saw II, and went back to his destructive devices.

I left, in somewhat a different manner, with my tongue hanging out of my mouth going, "oaeh... oaeh..." for the next five minutes. Thank goodness I'm allergic to crab.

Mosquitoes and Donuts

2006-07-05T22:43:00.000+08:00

It's funny how people react the moment they see a mosquito. My dad often slaps his hand against the window in the faint hope of squishing the life juice out of the little blighter. My mum on the other hand, panics and starts screaming at me, "Zack! Zack! Get the thing! Smack it! Its right there!" all the while, pointing at what appears to be... um ...the thing. o_0

It's funny how those, mosquitoes have an ability to penetrate your skin in the most uncomfortable places. Whichever part of your body that is for you... I'm sure you've been bitten there before. Toes are the worst, believe me, I just got two mickeys (mosquito hickeys) on my middle and smallest toes on my left foot.

It's funny how once OM is over, you end up feeling like a donut. There's a hole in the middle. Sure there's the rest of the stuff going on around you, but OM is the best!

The:

Victor's stupid juice

Cao's dragonlet

Gid's half done works of art

Rene's shadow

Henry's cattiness

Abhishek's smell (no wait that'll be there forever)

Isaac's retardedness

I'm lagging as usual. Post-OM depression was supposed to be like a month ago but oh well... thing is that at least donuts taste nice. Life's still sweet I suppose, just like the donut :D

Fun at Night!!!

2006-07-03T21:56:00.000+08:00

Most of the time when you do something really stupid it isn't usually intentional, except maybe for Zhang or Mr. Bean. Mr. Bean is quite self-explanatory but as for Zhang, he has an uncanny ability to allow his physical age to far surpass that of his mental age.

I'm sure those of you who actually bothered to come to my birthday two years ago remember the, "Eeeeeek! Isaac's brother is flashing!" Honestly I've seen him do so many weird things in his life I've never thought I could see more, but once again I was proven wrong.

As some of you may know, my brother is a really cool dude, constantly going, "Waddup my pee!" (whatever that means) at the mere age of six, where toddlers turn into boys and where Zhang's mental age remains stagnated till forever. I was at that point in time accidentally giving him a piggy back ride around my sister's room, him with a milk bottle in his mouth, screeching into my ear, and with me allowing random words such as "get", "off" and "me" to spew out of my mouth in rapid succession. I was left with no option so I made a detour to the bed, sat down and leaned back, in the dire hope of removing that squirming and screaming thingy on my back.

Perhaps I went too far but as soon as I leaned my tremendous bulk on his no-so-tremendous body, I heard muffled noises that seemed to emerge from my spinal cord. I leapt off only to see him snorting like a constipated pig (or perhaps it was laughing). But anyway within the next few moments milk started oozing out of his nose. The hilarious situation I was faced with indescribable but I could piece together a few fairly descriptive words like *heh* *heh* *hahahahahaha!!!!* to explain the atmosphere.

So there.

I've heard of fire breathing dragons, anthrax breathing U.S. citizens but now I shall add to my list of "Isaac's weird things to breathe in", milk breathing Joshuas.

The Start of Something Kewl

2006-07-02T23:03:00.001+08:00

Hooray! I'm finally part of the trend of the century! The gay club! I'm starting to blog! I don't even know why I'm starting this but oh well... after two years of absence from the blogging arena I've decided to start anew in this vicious cycle of posting a story, letting people comment and posting another story a few days down the road only to counter those comments. Welcome back, me!

(Hope the first part of nonsense didn't put you off)

Just got locked out of the house again today! Zhang refused to go out to keep me company so I was all set to roam the streets of Singapore all alone. This was till I was enlightened that I could actually crash at my grandparents place! Great guys!

CNN was on when I was arrived... never actually realized that my grandfather had a sense of humour.

We were watching the cool stuff from the England - Portugal match, which wasn't much to watch but oh well...

This is the bomb >>> We saw the Rooney red card tackle where he stepped on the *ahem* of Portuguese player whose name escapes me. As we saw the man rolling on the ground in excruciating pain, clutching his manhood, gasps of shock were heard in the vicinity and I reached down south to just to reassure myself that mine were still healthy and connected. But following the gasps of shock was my grandfather shouting in harsh hokkien, "Wah Lau! Jin jia lat! (X2) Yi dak gao yi eh lam pa! Jin jia lat! (X2)"

For those of you who have no idea what that means, it goes along the lines of, "Very bad! Very bad! He just stepped on that guy's... ... Very bad! Very bad!"

Giggles leaked out from the mouths of my grandmother and I, as i saw the expression of horror etched into my grandfather's face. A feeling of queasiness creeped into my stomach as we watched the replay once more, guys u know the feeling... and girls sorry for beginning with such a chauvinistic post but i'm sure u can all look forward to more interesting posts in the future. For the sake of it... May the Fun Fats of Life remain with you :D