Sunday, July 30, 2006

Not Dead Yet

Dinner can be a funny thing too. My sister just spent a large portion of it with her mouth open - not coz she was stuffing tons of noodles and dumplings into her mouth nonstop. That was me. Hers was because of a certain actor and actress couple who were sitting at the table opposite us. What amazes me was that through all the "Oooooo"s and "Aaaaaaaah"s she still managed to breathe once in a while.

I, on the other hand, was getting pretty irritated by such a display of whale talk. I mean how would you feel if there was this creature constantly buzzing in your ear about how pretty the actress is, or how the pair were really suited for one another? No wait, don't answer that question. Its probably just me being cynical again.

I do admit that i get irritated pretty easily. I can't stand people who start to blabber incoherently and drool when something catches their eye. Can't really blame Gid though, food comes under a different spectrum altogether and besides, I think Chunky's cute.

Anyway back to the dinner experience. I glared at my sis and when that didn't work, i rolled my eyes - really roundly (if there's such a word). So roundly that I i think one kinda got stuck and turned quite a frightful colour of red according to my grandma. Despite my valiant efforts, all were in vain. Something else succeeded though.

"BREAST!"

My brother yelled. Not quite loud enough for everyone in the restaurant to turn and look but quite enough to catch my entire family's attention. He had placed two empty porcelain bowls on his chest. His faced contorted a bit, making him look like a bulldog with constipation, then he exploded in peals of high pitched laughter.

Posted by Table at 9:39 PM

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Dinner at Joo Chiat

There was this guy staring at me during dinner.

I had gone out with my parents for dinner at Joo Chiat - one of my favourite "restaurants". You know the type of restaurant by the side of the road, with fans that creak in 1.5 second intervals, with tiles that started off being white but are now covered in a yellow hue. You know the type, the ones with not so great ambience but really great food.

Anyway back to this guy. I'm not really sure if it was a guy or not but let's call it a "he" anyway. He had a really white face, really white hands, really white t-shirt, and he wasn't ang moh. More importantly he was gazing at me, not staring at me with the gangster snarl across his face. He was gazing.

There's something about gays staring at you that makes you feel kinda nauseous. He was just poking at his food and gazing, only looking away when I gave him one of those stop-staring-or-I'll-make-you-female kind of looks and walked off. (My family and I were still waiting for a table at that time.)

Maybe I'm being a little bit mean. I mean, perhaps he wasn't gay after all and was just staring at something behind me, perhaps at some hot girl sitting behind me all the while.

So my family and I finally managed to get a table. Coincidentally, the gay (oops I mean guy) had just finished his dinner as well and began walking off. I felt guilty for judging him solely by looks and not by his personality, I mean after all even the bible states that man looks at the outside, only God looks at the heart.

Feeling slightly ashamed, I turned to glance at him. But in that split-second glance, and to my horror, I could have sworn that he winked.

Posted by Table at 10:24 PM

Saturday, July 15, 2006

I'll put an Abhishek in your bed!

Martha, the uni-boobed cross dresser from Centrestage a few months ago, once made a comment on smell and Abhishek.

"Abhishek smells like Abhishek plus fart... ... which is the smell of Abhishek."

Therefore in tribute of one of the most truthful statements I've ever heard, this post shall have somewhat to do with smells... somewhat :D

Tonight, I followed some of the Haven cast members to go eat dinner at Swensens. Ate my baked rice in about 30 minutes, nearly puked it all out in 1 - somebody was talking about how a gecko was found inside somebody's lontong recently. Finally we all got ice cream.

We were eating our individual ice creams, all the while laughing and talking very loudly then suddenly, out of nowhere came an,

"OH SHIT!!!"

Followed by Chun Wui snorting into a tissue, and laughing at the same time.

"Hahaha! I just sneezed ice cream from my nose!"

The tissue paper was covered in green, (he had been eating peppermint). Apparently it smells like mucus mixed with ice cream! And according to him, it smells really disgusting too, and we would never want to try it. Surprise, surprise!

Kinda deja vu don't you think? But HEY! Now we all know what mucus mixed with ice cream smells like...

Posted by Table at 12:03 AM

Monday, July 10, 2006

Before-After

I'm sure most of you have seen the before-after advertisements in the newspapers. Just pick up any newspaper and you'd be able to find one for sure. Women with enough folds of fat on their stomach to form rice terraces that you see ever-so-often in the Philippines, transforming into beauties with svelte figures, slim enough to become the new face of Faber Castle's new line of colour pencils.

My mum just decided to do something like this of her own... In an attempt to convince people that the body suits she purchased about three days ago really do help people to slim down, she asked my dad to take a photo of her 'before'.

"Look depressed, look fat (which is kinda impossible, coz my mum isn't fat)... Ahhh... that's it! (apparently it is possible.. somehow) Now hold it there."
"Quick lah, take the photo!"
"What the... why is there this push to talk thing that keeps appearing on the screen? I think your phone has a problem, I can't take any photos!"

The happened about another five times before my dad realized that he had been pressing the wrong button all along. My sister and I burst out laughing. My brother, deciding to join in the commotion, started crying because my mum had scolded him, refusing to let him take the photo coz he was wasting time.

So finally they took the photo. My mum finally let my brother take one too, much to his delight. It might not seem funny now but I'm certain it was quite funny then.

"Eh... Where is the photo? I want to see it."
"It's not there? I thought I put in volume label?"
"It's not... you mean you didn't save it?!"

Altogether now... "WAH LAU!"

Here we go again :D

Posted by Table at 12:17 AM

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Mutilation

"Aaaaaagh! It moves!!!"

I screamed hysterically, nearly dropping the crab. I had just picked it up when suddenly one of its legs twitched, jabbing my pinky. Crabs are dangerous, even when they are tied up. Never having seen crabs being killed before, I stayed to watch my dad do the dirty work, despite him having called me a sissy for being scared of SOMETHING THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD BUT MOVED ANYWAY.

He flipped the crab over onto its back, and reached for the knife and shoved it in the crab's backside. I felt something lurch... it wasn't the crab, it was my stomach. I mean how would you like it if something long and sharp were shoved up your rectum?

Black stuff started oozing out and covered the entire sink (at least it didn't spurt out) I could have sworn I heard a squeak, as suddenly the crab stopped flailing its pincers and hung there limp. My brother who had just witnessed the whole process, laughed evilly, like a maniac out of Saw II, and went back to his destructive devices.

I left, in somewhat a different manner, with my tongue hanging out of my mouth going, "oaeh... oaeh..." for the next five minutes. Thank goodness I'm allergic to crab.

Posted by Table at 12:31 PM

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Mosquitoes and Donuts

It's funny how people react the moment they see a mosquito. My dad often slaps his hand against the window in the faint hope of squishing the life juice out of the little blighter. My mum on the other hand, panics and starts screaming at me, "Zack! Zack! Get the thing! Smack it! Its right there!" all the while, pointing at what appears to be... um ...the thing. o_0

It's funny how those, mosquitoes have an ability to penetrate your skin in the most uncomfortable places. Whichever part of your body that is for you... I'm sure you've been bitten there before. Toes are the worst, believe me, I just got two mickeys (mosquito hickeys) on my middle and smallest toes on my left foot.

It's funny how once OM is over, you end up feeling like a donut. There's a hole in the middle. Sure there's the rest of the stuff going on around you, but OM is the best!

The:

Victor's stupid juice

Cao's dragonlet

Gid's half done works of art

Rene's shadow

Henry's cattiness

Abhishek's smell (no wait that'll be there forever)

Isaac's retardedness

I'm lagging as usual. Post-OM depression was supposed to be like a month ago but oh well... thing is that at least donuts taste nice. Life's still sweet I suppose, just like the donut :D

Posted by Table at 10:43 PM

Monday, July 03, 2006

Fun at Night!!!

Most of the time when you do something really stupid it isn't usually intentional, except maybe for Zhang or Mr. Bean. Mr. Bean is quite self-explanatory but as for Zhang, he has an uncanny ability to allow his physical age to far surpass that of his mental age.

I'm sure those of you who actually bothered to come to my birthday two years ago remember the, "Eeeeeek! Isaac's brother is flashing!" Honestly I've seen him do so many weird things in his life I've never thought I could see more, but once again I was proven wrong.

As some of you may know, my brother is a really cool dude, constantly going, "Waddup my pee!" (whatever that means) at the mere age of six, where toddlers turn into boys and where Zhang's mental age remains stagnated till forever. I was at that point in time accidentally giving him a piggy back ride around my sister's room, him with a milk bottle in his mouth, screeching into my ear, and with me allowing random words such as "get", "off" and "me" to spew out of my mouth in rapid succession. I was left with no option so I made a detour to the bed, sat down and leaned back, in the dire hope of removing that squirming and screaming thingy on my back.

Perhaps I went too far but as soon as I leaned my tremendous bulk on his no-so-tremendous body, I heard muffled noises that seemed to emerge from my spinal cord. I leapt off only to see him snorting like a constipated pig (or perhaps it was laughing). But anyway within the next few moments milk started oozing out of his nose. The hilarious situation I was faced with indescribable but I could piece together a few fairly descriptive words like *heh* *heh* *hahahahahaha!!!!* to explain the atmosphere.

So there.

I've heard of fire breathing dragons, anthrax breathing U.S. citizens but now I shall add to my list of "Isaac's weird things to breathe in", milk breathing Joshuas.

Posted by Table at 9:56 PM

Sunday, July 02, 2006

The Start of Something Kewl

Hooray! I'm finally part of the trend of the century! The gay club! I'm starting to blog! I don't even know why I'm starting this but oh well... after two years of absence from the blogging arena I've decided to start anew in this vicious cycle of posting a story, letting people comment and posting another story a few days down the road only to counter those comments. Welcome back, me!

(Hope the first part of nonsense didn't put you off)

Just got locked out of the house again today! Zhang refused to go out to keep me company so I was all set to roam the streets of Singapore all alone. This was till I was enlightened that I could actually crash at my grandparents place! Great guys!

CNN was on when I was arrived... never actually realized that my grandfather had a sense of humour.

We were watching the cool stuff from the England - Portugal match, which wasn't much to watch but oh well...

This is the bomb >>> We saw the Rooney red card tackle where he stepped on the *ahem* of Portuguese player whose name escapes me. As we saw the man rolling on the ground in excruciating pain, clutching his manhood, gasps of shock were heard in the vicinity and I reached down south to just to reassure myself that mine were still healthy and connected. But following the gasps of shock was my grandfather shouting in harsh hokkien, "Wah Lau! Jin jia lat! (X2) Yi dak gao yi eh lam pa! Jin jia lat! (X2)"

For those of you who have no idea what that means, it goes along the lines of, "Very bad! Very bad! He just stepped on that guy's... ... Very bad! Very bad!"

Giggles leaked out from the mouths of my grandmother and I, as i saw the expression of horror etched into my grandfather's face. A feeling of queasiness creeped into my stomach as we watched the replay once more, guys u know the feeling... and girls sorry for beginning with such a chauvinistic post but i'm sure u can all look forward to more interesting posts in the future. For the sake of it... May the Fun Fats of Life remain with you :D